montahj

Changing and Rearranging

2010-01-03T13:20:00.002-06:00

I'm making changes in 2010 and one of the firsts is that this blog is moving. I've begun blogging on WordPress and so for my first 2010 blog, check out this new address.

http://montahj.wordpress.com/

If you're not RSS savvy, but want email notifications whenever I post a new blog then just click the appropriate button on the right side of my new blog. It's a good idea.

Cynical Ramblings of a near thirty-year old

2009-12-12T20:36:00.004-06:00

"I hate people." A co-worker said this to me today. I hated them, too. Hated the jerks, hated the inconsiderate, hated them just for showing up.

Everywhere there is so much unnecessary negativity. I can't get over how mean people are to each other. The kids who never learned to share grow up and become bosses, politicians, parents. We shake our fists, maybe a middle finger, we cuss and fuss in traffic, but as soon as we get the chance, we'll cut in line and justify it, or slow down suddenly aware we're about to miss our exit, our turn, never mind the cars behind.

Earlier this fall I finished reading The Kite Runner, and it opened my eyes to how universally cruel people are to each other. In politics, in the world, in backyards, we disrespect the ones we could learn from.We hate the differences. We all do it. Not selectively, not based on anything more than egocentric perspectives, jealousy or stupid, baseless fears that somehow exist and accrue power. What can we do?

I guess we do the good deed when it occurs to us and then we move on and try not to carry with us all the bad thoughts and hates others might rub off on us. Any frustrating situation is fertile ground for growing some organic negativity. I try to remember that I do it to others. I might not do that exact thing that peeves me so, but I certainly don't live the whole of my days in full consideration of others. In fact I've tried this to a fault, and I'm certain it's impossible to never offend simply because you can never guess the things that piss people off. Not everything. This is one area where the vastness of unique human characteristics cannot be predicted. We're all a little crazy and you can't count on crazy.

To get along around other people, I think you just have to be willing to let some things slide. But not everything. No one should get away with everything and everyone should get away with some things. I suspect that many of us believe we get away with less than we let other people get away with. But then we have to remember that we can never know all the things that drive other people crazy and therefore, there is no way to keep record of who's ahead.

2009-11-02T22:08:00.002-06:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman

It's Coming

2009-09-18T12:57:00.005-06:00

The temperature is in the eighties and that feels warm, but an autumn wind is blowing. What a great time of year. About two weeks ago, while running at dusk I felt it for the first time. For weeks I'd been anticipating its coming, even as the dog days of Texas summer dragged their feet. I took Wallace for a run and we found a field that was recently cleared, leaving stumps and the scent of cedar behind, to play in and watch the beautiful sun set. On the run back the wind met our sweaty bodies with a coolness not felt for months, a delicious foreshadowing that fall is on its way. This reminds me of a favorite poem by Bill Holm.

August in Waterton, Alberta

Above me, wind does its best
to blow leaves off
the aspen tree a month too soon.
No use wind. All you succeed
in doing is making music, the noise
of failure growing beautiful.

If you're not used to reading poetry, just remember to breathe. There are very few words so they are each one there by choice.

This is kept by my desk and computer, where I write; where I stare off into nowhere land; where I confront demons; where I face my own failure, or the teasing of it. This poem reminds me that failure in art will lead, if one endures, to success. The failure itself might even be beautiful, might even be art. I also keep a Pearls Before Swine Cartoon posted by my desk to remind me to laugh at it all.

Sorry for the bad joke. You'll see.

2009-07-18T13:57:00.004-06:00

It's been a minute since I've blogged. In the past 43 days I've been to the emergency room, seen a baby donkey, ridden 5 hours in a van with no A/C in the middle of the day and done lots of fun summery things, such as float the river with a good ol'buddy.

So pleurisy is when something gets caught between your lung lining and your rib cage and gets inflamed or infected. Eventually it hurts to breath, which can cause panic to set in. This is what happened to me. I called my man and he came to my rescue. We ended up at a fire station and then in an ambulance and then the ER. It wasn't as much of an emergency as it felt like, meaning it wasn't my heart and I wasn't in danger of dying. But it was scary for both parties.

Baby donkeys are furry and soft and pretty sweet. It's when they grow up that they can be a real ass. My relatives have some land up in North Texas where time melts into itself. Less than 24 hours there but I felt like I'd been injected with that fabulous vacation iv. It lasted at least 2 days.

My latest music review can be read here and there are more to come soon. Check it out for a link for a free download.

Words: In Conflict

2009-06-05T12:24:00.005-06:00

When I communicate through email, the letter I send is usually so much shorter than the original draft. Editing removes the unnecessary comments, the words that are motivated by hurt or frustration and the final draft is usually just what I need to say, without all the chaff. So when I talk or especially when I argue guess what comes out? Unnecessary comments, words motivated by hurt or frustration and chaff.

I've believed for a long time that if two people could just talk rationally about something, they could resolve it. Turns out that to get to that place of calmly talking can take minutes or hours or days. I hate the waiting, but worse is what happens if you don't take that time.

Marianne Moore said, "The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence." I hate conflict. Instead of trying to avoid it, I try to control it with words. The catch is that the words that have the power to calm and reconcile, are usually not the first that come to mind. Silence of breath, quiet of mind, the rest between a calm heartbeat is crucial in conflict.

Wart Off

2009-05-06T18:29:00.008-06:00

I love natural remedies. Once I had a wart on my knee that I never thought much about. In the third grade I was a dodgeball STAR! Thanks to my four brothers I was really good at dodging and unlike many of the girls in my class, I could actually throw the ball. During an extraordinary competitive and thrilling game, I hit the ground rolling to escape a body ball and also made the winning throw for my team. I was the last one standing so it required full commitment.

I stood up and amidst the cheers from my teammates, I heard my P.E. teacher tell me to go to the nurse. Looking down I saw blood gushing from both my knees. So worth it. I marched proudly off the field and after the nurse dressed my battle wounds, I realized that my wart was no longer there. Sweet! Unfortunately, weeks later I noticed a garden of mini warts sprouting on both my knees. No, no, no, this would not do.

My mom starts bringing this up in conversation with various relatives and friends (yay), and everyone has heard of a home wart solution. Rub potato flesh on them. Duct tape them. Try wart cream. I ended up sleeping a couple nights with cottonballs soaked in vinegar bandaged to my knees. Stunk. Soggy wrinkled knee skin. But it worked, the vinegar actually burning and thus killing the root of the warts.

That's a beautiful story and all to say, I wish I had some lavender oil on me. It is an immediate relief and cure to a spider bite, but also helps mosquito bite itchings (such as the one on my ankle) subside.

I'd also love to hear about other natural remedies. Please.

driving while dodging a flying stinger

2009-04-29T12:37:00.004-06:00

Currently Listening: Joshua Radin "Brand New Day"

"You make your past your past." Amen.

There is a hornet infestation in my van, The Beast. I just found a chunk of black gunk in my hair. I dreamed another bear was trying to eat me and a child who was with me. I haven't been much around internet lately and I realize how much easier it is for me to write when I have internet access. I'm not really a multi-tasker, but I love to toggle between writing and other stuff. I use it as a stimilus of sorts. I guess it helps to quiet the distractions of my mind and awaken my imagination moreso than just looking around at my room, messy with clothes and undone tasks.

My City

2009-04-21T20:49:00.002-06:00

We’re still getting to know each other, Austin and me. So much yet to experience, what with spring here and with summer coming soon. Part of making a city your home is finding your favorite hang outs. I still say I'm new here when people ask me directions. Last week while wining and dining at the southside Waterloo, I realized this: My absolute favorite drink in my favorite Texas town is a Mexican martini made with Sauza Conmemorativo tequila. That's quite a statement to make, but it’s that serious. Plus, the back patio overlooks a playground and a community area. It’s laid-back and family friendly. Last week Glen and I sat out there just before dusk and after a nice rain and it was the best kind of relaxing or if you don’t mind, chillaxin.

The only bad part about this area that is as south as south Austin can be is that this new development, while housing local Austin eateries as well as chain stores, looks like any other shopping center in oh say, north Austin or Dallas or Plano or Frisco. Such monotony is expected in north Dallas, but please no, not in south Austin. It’s a pretty place, nice and well landscaped, just disappointing.

Lottery

2009-04-21T14:55:00.004-06:00

In a blog from 2008 I listed what I’d do with lottery winnings or a sudden fortune. This is what I wrote:

What would I do if I suddenly became a billionaire?
1. This is an overwhelming "what if." I suppose I'd freak out in some way.
2. Pay off debt.
3. Buy a slave. I mean, a massage therapist.
4. Seek council.
5. Invest, put some away, blah, blah.
6. Help orphans.
7. TRAVEL.
8.Travel more. Greece, Spain, South America, Australia. Visit everyone I know living overseas.
9. Buy one of these.
10. Crap my pants. Not necessarily in this order.

I hold to this with a few addenda. I'd buy some gold and silver and make my own retirement plan. I would definitely maintain personal health and take preventative action by seeing a massage therapist weekly. I'd also commission a few of my artist friends to make me some art that would blow your mind. I'd quit my job, buy a house and write. Write and garden. So there. Did I mention I'd travel?

Deadliest Warrior

2009-04-21T14:49:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow night on Deadliest Warrior is Spartan vs. Ninja. Best fight EVER. I’d also like to see a tyrannosaurus rex fight a killer bee; a jedi fight a ninja; Zach Morris vs. Slater, once and for all.

Don’t Hate

2009-04-17T19:32:00.002-06:00

By my work there are many a beggar. If you smoke a cigarette, they need one. If you have a cell phone, they’d like to use it. Of course if you have spare change (bills preferred), then go ahead and contribute to their bus ticket cause. They might buy a $5 coffee drink, but alas, they are still $18 short for a bus ticket. They will ask for anything. Or not ask.

Last week one man tried to jack our tips that sit on the windowsill of the drive-thru. A co-worker saw and asked him to put it back. He dropped some change in the bucket. She asked for the rest of it.

“The dollar?”

Yeah, the dollar.

“Fine.” He replaced the dollar and as he walked away said, “Don’t hate.”

bed blog

2009-04-17T19:26:00.002-06:00

I love mornings. Sometimes I wake up before the sun and despite all my love for mornings, I don't get up. I actually tell myself, "you don't get up this early," and then I try to fall back asleep. Or sometimes the persuasive voice wonders, "what are you even going to do if you get up? It's dark." I can't ever think of what I could do in these moments b/c all I can think of is how dark it is.

This is stupid. I'm going to start getting up if this happens.

Thai blog

2009-04-17T19:23:00.002-06:00

Well so I haven't been around internet the past several days, but I have been writing some. So, the next several blogs will be me catching up and therefore, shortish.

On American holidays, why is it comforting to eat Asian food?

Our first eateries were actually closed on this sunny Easter Sunday before we found an open Chinese restaurant. Out of more than convenience, if I’m not partaking in any special lunch or dinners associated with my own holidays, then it’s nice to go somewhere you don’t seem to be missing out. Working on Christmas day or Thanksgiving Day makes me want to miss the cafeteria “E” for efforts imitation turkey dinners and just skip straight to sesame chicken and wonton soup.

This may not be comforting to some people, but it is sad to me when I can’t be with family when they are all together and so I’d rather be in an environment that assures me the world is going on even if my so-called holiday is a bust.

On a side note, I’ve recently decided that Thai food is one of my favorite kinds. Give me a spring roll and call me Happy.

Tummy Ache

2009-04-11T00:19:00.011-06:00

There's this thing, this really beautiful thing that happens when a dust of cinnamon and sugar fall on a cup of whipped cream. This is my guilty pleasure. It's a fluffy, horchata cloud that dissolves on your tongue like, like...love? heaven? I'm really struggling with this simile and also, SURPRISE! my weight.

On a side note, babel fish translates horchata as "tiger nut milk." Not as appetizing.

new site

2009-04-10T09:32:00.003-06:00

Wow. Yesterday I really needed a day off. I cleaned, laundered, I baked, I cooked, I listened to music and watched 2 movies. I didn't write anything, nor did I think much about it. So therapeutic. Another thing I did was watch the bon qui qui video again, and yes, i loled.

I am now a contributing writer to this sweet a all things music site called Rock & Review. I aim to write a post weekly (at minimum) for this site, so add it to your rss feed or bookmark it or something. Besides reading my stuff, the site offers reviews of a variety of music so I think you'll find it informative and entertaining.

P.S. Martha, you should write more for the site. Your music and book reviews are always interesting to me.

Vidoes not rated G

2009-04-09T00:03:00.005-06:00

What are your top 3 favorite YouTube videos of all time? Here are mine.

#3 Bon Qui Qui

#2 The Count

#1 Drinking out of Cups

Daddy of the Mack Daddies

2009-04-07T23:47:00.006-06:00

Yeah, he knows he's cool. Ironic that today is the kickoff for ASPCA's no cruelty to animal's month and the day my fellow bloggers are paying homage to beloved pets. Why? Oh, because Wallace (the pimp in the shades) soggied up and chewed up my softball glove, my childhood softball glove that I let Glen borrow.

Sigh. He's not even a mass destroyer and at his size, he could be. (This pic is when he's about 7 or 8 months old.) Why do they never go for a plastic bag or old newspaper or something you could care less about? He got in trouble, of course. He knew what he was doing, of course. I still love the heck out of him, of course of course, he's the size of a horse.

senryu

2009-04-06T23:34:00.006-06:00

you want a latte?
we closed ten minutes ago.
hahahahaha.

white key, black key
on and on and on
until they reach inside of me

Credit report dot com
If i hear that commercial
one more time...

Fiesty

2009-04-06T00:20:00.000-06:00

If I had only four minutes to save the world, I'd strip, dance on cars and say tick tock tick tock.* (But I'd be wearing a nude leotard so my world saving would be appropriate for all ages.)

In other news I learned something about myself today and I'm not going to blogbore you with it. It's nothing original, just that it's okay to make someone uncomfortable if they aren't acting appropriately. Humans push boundaries, fact of life. If someone pushes me, I can be pushed or push back. Step back, fools.

*If you're not following the blog 30 Days of Write, this will sound random and senseless.

LIfe not in Digital

2009-04-04T10:59:00.010-06:00

Jesus told his disciples that they would always have with them the poor. Also, I add, will always be the nonconformists. In this age there are technological nonconformist: people who refuse to own cell phones; those who own mobiles, but refuse to answer or check them; those who don't want to learn how to use a computer or the internet. For all the hassles I am still glad I live in this age. If I woke up in the 1800's, life would be rough. Not because I mind peeing in an outhouse or bush or bathing once a week or growing my own food. It's the conveniences that contribute to life in a meaningful way that would be the hardest hit.

Except for a few (sad number) remote areas, it is possible and even convenient to communicate with family and friends across the globe. I love this. No email or letter or phone call replaces a hug, eye contact, or face to face time with another person. Still, our technology helps span the miles and I'm so grateful. I can't imagine waiting weeks just to get a reply to a letter. Go ask some people from the 1800's if they'd accept and learn a new mail system if it meant they could hear back from their lover, sister or son immediately instead of waiting weeks. Pretty sure there wouldn't be a bunch of griping about being too old to learn, or it being too complicated. It's the doing without that really gets us willing to work for what we could have. There is something to the idea that we 2009 Americans are impatient, selfishly entitled jerks. But there is waiting to be done no matter which age a person exists in. It's universal--Tom Petty says so.

I've always felt I would not marry until I was older and that I wouldn't have kids in my twenties. I'm pretty sure this wouldn't fly in the 1800's either. It barely flies in the 21st century in many families. However, if I have the choice of time travel, I know a few concerts I'd like to catch.

Dream House

2009-04-03T16:45:00.009-06:00

Traveling I love. Vagabond living I like. Commitment I shy away from. Even so, the desire to get into a house where I can start my own garden is growing by the day. I imagine this is how other women feel when they get baby fever. I have baby squash fever. Or something.

My dream house borders a forest and is a 10 minute walk from the beach. I have a back yard with a garden. Next to the garden is my studio, which is a small, two room building with a half bath. One room for my desk and lots of bookshelves. The other room has a drawing table, an easel, a throwing wheel and lots of shelf space. Many windows included. Also, on the border of my land/forest I'll have a big tree house in which binoculars will be kept, along with some RTE foods, sleeping bag, and a radio.

When it comes to rooms, the most important to me is the kitchen. I want a large kitchen with a big island with a cutting board surface. Not overly large, just spacious enough to cook and spread out a little. It'll open into the dining and living rooms and the kitchen window will face the backyard. Visiting my parents in Abilene, espescially during the holiday seasons I stand in the kitchen, sometimes helping, sometimes just running my mouth and getting in the way because that is precious time of talking, laughing and getting silly with my mom. Kitchens offer the right amount of diversion in conversation for me.

Patios and porches are the other main necessities (luxuries) for my dream house. A front porch just big enough for a couple chairs and table with three steps leading down to the yard will do. The back patio should be bigger, covered and will house some chairs, a chimenea, and a grill, all bordered by citrenella plants. I want a natural fence made simply from live bamboo.

I will have at least one dog, probably a great dane since I am newly in love with this breed and I'll own a gun to protect against snakes, wild animals and commies.

What is the most important room to you?

30 Days, 5 of them bloody

2009-04-02T20:36:00.005-06:00

For my 30 days of writing project the group leader provides a topic everyday. Today's topic is physical pain. I've been sick, as so many have, from battling a sore throat to throwing up mucus. Lovely, I know. But it's not much to write about.

I mentioned that my cousin had a baby last week. When we were all admiring her new daughter, I told her she set a standard in the family in giving birth. With barely a shot of pain reliever she made it through labor and I say that's super admirable.

I don't think either sex has a higher pain tolerance than the other. It seems to be much more person specific to me. But I will say that women have expected pain. In fourth grade sex education class, I was horrified, petrified, furious to find out about menstrual cycles. Thanks, God. Thanks a lot. My life was worry free until then. I couldn't have cared less about sex, what goes where, Fallopian shmalopian, who gives a prostrate? A sweet, hunchbacked little lady just told me I'm going to bleed for one week every month. My life is screwed!

There are mile markers in every girl's period. Her first time to start, of course. The first time she wants to swim, but can't because she doesn't know how (or really want) to use a tampon. The first (and only, I hope) time she bleeds through her pants in public. Yikes. In the words of Uncle Jesse, have mercy. Worse than all that is the first time a cramp takes her to her adolescent knees, gasping and breathing like she's practicing lamaze.

I used to think that maybe our menstrual cycles prepare us for the pain of childbirth. But cramps don't get easier because you've had them before, and I suspect that childbirth doesn't feel easy because you've had cramps.

30 Days

2009-04-01T00:18:00.011-06:00

So, I'm doing this thing. This writing thing. I joined a writer's group committed to writing a post every day for the next 30 days. The meaning of this first post is only that you, precious reader, will be hearing from me daily. Expect randomness. Expect at least 100 words. I'm challenging myself to be less intentional and more followthroughional.

Today I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffeenegger. I enjoyed it very much. The story and the characters were fresh and unique and inspired in me many ponderings (and I do love to ponder) about love between a man and woman, what brings them together and makes them last as husband and wife; also time, how long, how fleeting, insert an excerpt from a poem here. My man's grandfather passed away last week. How slowly the painful moments dragged by. In the same 24 hours my great Aunt passed, quickly, as though she stopped in to the hospital to get a cup of coffee and then she left. Maybe 12 hours later and after nine months of waiting and a short labor, my cousin birthed a healthy and a lovely baby girl.

A theme in the book is waiting. It's beautifully threaded through the book. People don't like to wait. I know this because I am often the reason people around me have to do this. I'm changing this about me, trying really hard to. I'm realizing that I also wait on myself. I wait until I'm ready, until I feel readiness. Then I move. I guess I've been okay with this, content to wait until the time feels right to me to begin something. There's a biblical parable about virgins waiting for the groom and when he comes, when he finally comes only a few of them have enough oil in their lamps to go and meet with him. (Sidenote: Not sure why a lamp is so urgently relevant to a virgin and her groom.)
I want to do everything I can to make sure when an opportunity arises for me that I have prepared. Preparation has everything to do with feeling ready and with actually having the resources or the freedom to act when the time is right.

Hear Hear

2009-01-29T10:04:00.003-06:00

To listen to these songs I had to embed. Found these from Anton.

2009-01-11T12:10:00.021-06:00

Hello. Hi. Hi.

It’s 2009.

Last year I resolved to

A) Not live in Dallas, Texas
B) Blog more

That being my first go at making resolutions, I didn't do too badly. I still live in Texas, but I live in Austin, which is WAY better. I’ve wanted to live here for several years and so far I love it. As for blogging, I doubled my blog entries in 2008. Yep, in 2007 I had 8 entries and last year I blogged 16 times. Booyah.

The following held special meaning/comfort for me in 2008:

There are years that ask questions and years that answer. -Zora Neale Hurston

Songs:
The Lowering -The Avett Brothers
Colorshow -The Avett Brothers
Fire nor Ice -Ben Harper
I'm Yours -Jason Mraz
Arms of a Woman -Amos Lee
The Film Did Not Go Round -Nada Surf
So Young -Thriftstore Cowboys
Change is Hard -She & Him
Dreamer -Supertramp

Miscellaneous
-the dreams about animals eating me
-breakthru moments on the phone with my man
-Beck laser show
-random Loaded Questions w/roomies and friends
-meeting Glen that first weekend
-saying bye to Miata
- taking Mikayla and Mara for drives in Mia

Update

2008-09-20T10:50:00.010-06:00

Last week I saw the Avett Brothers live and tonight I'm stoked about seeing Amos Lee. Next weekend I go to ACL to revel in live music!

If you are a friend or acquaintance of mine who lives/lived in DFW, enjoy music, and have not seen the Avetts live show, I'd like you to know that I'm mad at you.

In case you don't know, I'm moving to Austin exactly 3 weeks from today. Despite the pains of moving things around, I love beginnings and I'm especially excited about this one.

Last night I dreamed that a bunch of guys had a long distance peeing contest. Concentrated exertion showed on their scrunched up faces and their golden arches stretched 20 feet in the air, and 30 or so yards in front of them. I stood from a safe, splash-free distance with the other girls and watched in amazement. I think there was cheering.

I'm listening to Heather's collection of Snow Patrol and I'm smitten. Check out the newest Kings of Leon album Only By the Night. It's polished and beautiful.

i'd rather just be myself

2008-07-29T18:52:00.003-06:00

the more i try to consider what other people think, the easier it is for me to hide the things i think they will disapprove of.

at this hour

2008-07-17T12:58:00.006-06:00

A few artworks that have been shuffling around in my mind lately:

300...the movie, the commitment, the FIGHT.

I'm Yours...Jason Mraz "I guess what I'll be singing is there ain't no better reason to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the season."

The Hour and What is Dead...Li-Young Lee

Tonight my brother, in heavy boots, is walking

through bare rooms over my head,

opening and closing doors.

What could he be looking for in an empty house?

What could he possibly need there in heaven?

Does he remember his earth, his birthplace set to torches?

His love for me feels like spilled water

running back to its vessel.



At this hour, what is dead is restless

and what is living is burning.



Someone tell him he should sleep now.



My father keeps a light on by our bed

and readies for our journey.

He mends ten holes in the knees

of five pairs of boy's pants.

His love for me is like sewing:

various colors and too much thread,

the stitching uneven. But the needle pierces

clean through with each stroke of his hand.



At this hour, what is dead is worried

and what is living is fugitive.



Someone tell him he should sleep now.



God, that old furnace, keeps talking

with his mouth of teeth,

a beard stained at feasts, and his breath

of gasoline, airplane, human ash.

His love for me feels like fire,

feels like doves, feels like river-water.



At this hour, what is dead is helpless, kind

and helpless. While the Lord lives.



Someone tell the Lord to leave me alone.

I've had enough of his love

that feels like burning and flight and running away.

Book List-- 25/100

2008-07-12T13:17:00.004-06:00

The Big Read, an initiative by the National Endowment for the Arts, has estimated that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed. How do you do?

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline the books you LOVE.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte (most of it, anyway. Blah.)
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (I've read a lot...but dude wrote bazillions)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis (most of them)
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez (love/hate relationship)
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens (most)
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

I've read 1/4 and want to read about 18. Thanks for posting this list, Martha. I love that Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is listed.

Day at the Lake

2008-06-15T18:40:00.003-06:00

Yesterday my friend went to the lake with her extended family and some family friends. A group of them caught a ton of fish and cooked it up. They ate GOOD. There was music and singing, pictures and videos, and a couple kegs. And oh yeah, it was a memorial service.

My friend's uncle passed away and this is how they mourned, how they celebrated his life. He was an outdoors man and fishing was his favorite way to spend his time. I've heard people say that when they go, they don't want a funeral, they want a party. It seems that memorial service was the best of both--there was laughter and crying, togetherness, memories remembered and memories made. What could better represent LIFE? It touched me to hear about it.

Stuff

2008-05-19T23:07:00.005-06:00

I love NYC. I do not love Dallas.

This doesn't mean I'm moving to NYC. Just that I'm not moving to Dallas. Yes, my head is a little screwy after walking the walkways (lead me to the building) of the big city. I love a big city! I love the accents and the ethnic foods here! I really need a place with space, though. I need to see the sky and the sunset and you can't see that for all the impressive empirechryslerscrapers around here.

I've eaten the best creme brulee, meatball, falafel, chocolate chip cookie of me life and I went to a restaurant that serves only chocolate. I could seriously augustus gloop-out in a place like that.We saw the show August: Osage County and it was touching and humorous and thought-provoking. It felt perfect.

We spent sunny Saturday climbing and walking in Central Park. Then we saw the Wood Brothers play with special guests John Medeski, a drummer and AMOS LEE! I peed a little.

I've enjoyed my time here, and tomorrow I leave. Texas is a pretty cool place, but I'm itching to see more more more of this beautiful country. I don't know the meaning of "enough" unless you are talking about food. Even then I understand it to be temporary.

Seriously

2008-05-15T23:36:00.007-06:00

I haven't posted a blog in years (actual time 1 week) and it's way too long since I've posted anything more than a sentence or two. Travel time along my brain's roads clocks in at a billion tps (thoughts per second), but that is not helping this blog sitch.

The past month has been a whirlwind of experiences for me. Some, like the cool evening air are familiar to me, while others have taken me completely by surprise. I often feel like I can't breathe indoors. I have theories for the why of this, but nothing is confirmed.

The hugeness and smallness of this life, just like the people who live it remain as much a mystery to me as my own soul. I can't believe the surprises held in a single day, both good and bad. I forgot about death. I forgot how being in love feels and how you can't tell a person how beautiful they are and expect them to believe you. I never cared so little or so much about details. I can't stand politicians and all their smack talk. They remind me of everything I dislike about government and this country and one person trying to control another. Running soothes me and exhilarates me at the same time and I realize I am a glutton for anything that does that.

This morning I fly to NYC and I am ready to be ready for what's next.

24 Hours

2008-05-09T00:32:00.002-06:00

Some days everything leans your way, and some days it's like the universe shit in your bathwater.

A Gesture

2008-04-02T16:49:00.002-06:00

I made this mixed tape just for you.

No, there's no occasion. Just because.

-tahj

Marriage?

2008-03-29T10:10:00.000-06:00

I am constantly hearing things that discourage me from wanting to get married. People who are married say it's worth it. Single people want it. Then married people go and pulverize each other. Some do it with huge, dramatic gestures, and others slowly chip away at their spouse like a deranged and selfish sculptor. I wonder if the married people who tell me that it is worth it aren't trying to convince themselves.

But I still think I want it.

the way it goes

2008-03-14T10:31:00.009-06:00

How is it possible that in a store with hundreds of styles of shoes, many of which are priced below $50, I can walk into the SALE area and the only shoes I want go for $299?

It was so ridiculous--the endless racks of shoes, the low prices on all the other shoe boxes, me actually considering buying them. The only thing those shoes did for me is kill my appetite. I turned on my (worn) heel and left with a sour puss.

It Happened

2008-03-07T00:02:00.008-06:00

I got tagged.

10 years ago:
I had not shaved my legs for 5 months. I went 6 months and not a day shorter before I shaved, which happened to be the day after prom. As a senior at dear old Abilene High school, I felt ready to move on. I spent my free time at the park swinging, singing when no one was around, talking with kids, and writing. I was 17 and loving life. I was dating Brent and soon we would take a short road trip to hit up Six Flags in Arlington. English and Art were my favorite classes. I kept a quote book of sayings that struck me or made me laugh. I carried it, my bible and my journal with me everywhere in my Neiman Marcus canvas shopping bag, which I used as a purse. Oh and I wore only one pair of jeans to school the entire year. Class of '98.

Things on my to-do list today:
-clean up the disaster i call my desk
-eat
-trim my thumbnail that seems to grow 38% faster than the others
-troubleshoot my computer problems
-write a blog
-drink less coffee

What would I do if I suddenly became a billionaire?
1. This is an overwhelming "what if." I suppose I'd freak out in some way.
2. Pay off debt.
3. Buy a slave. I mean, a massage therapist.
4. Seek council.
5. Invest, put some away, blah, blah.
6. Help orphans.
7. TRAVEL.
8.Travel more. Greece, Spain, South America, Australia. Visit everyone I know living overseas.
9. Buy one of these.
10. Crap my pants. Not necessarily in this order.

Three of my bad habits:
1. Pulling out my eyelashes. It feels so good but looks so sad.
2. Piling shiznit on my desk. Why must I be so procrastinative?
3. Let's just say procrastination takes up more than one slot. It is a big mountain right now.

Five jobs I've had:
1. Writer
2. Bakery person
3. Barista
4. Corporate employee (soul-killee)
5. Youth intern and making up words.

Five things many people don't know about me:
1. I can lick my elbow. This talent won me a free dinner the other night.
2. I once ate an entire box of Little Debbie's Swiss Cake Rolls in a weekend. Six rolls in two hours is the sad truth. I am still not allowed to buy them.
3. The next Valentine's Day I received 3 boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls from 3 different frenemies.
4. On a dare I swallowed a live minnow.
5. Dreams can have deep meaning for me. When I am dreaming often, I feel more alive and more aware than at times when I am not dreaming.

I'm tagging Martha and Heather.

I Had a Bad Night

2008-02-14T01:04:00.000-06:00

Animalia in Four Parts

2008-02-07T02:16:00.002-06:00

I. Opossum
Possums are ugly and they are creepy. They can't help this any more than I can help feeling repulsed upon seeing one. From picture books I read as a child, I expected them to be cute. Since we decided to build cities all over their homelands, they can be quite a pest in our neighborhoods. I once heard as one was beat to death for it's nagging presence and for stealing cat food.

II. Felius Catus
A cat friend recently passed away. Kidney failure. Our relationship began in a tumultuous fashion, which included weeping (mine) and gnashing of teeth (hers). For several months she hated me and made it clear. If I tried to pet her, she attacked or if I walked too close, she growled in that horrible, guttural way only cats can. Then one night she let herself into my bedroom. She jumped onto my bed and made her way up to my head, where she draped her massive feline body over my neck. That's right, my neck. An entire queen bed at her disposal and she chose neck. Then she rested her head against my mouth. That's right, my mouth. I was afraid and I could not breathe. Risking a facial maiming, I gently moved her head to the side. I thought this strange behavior was a joke at first. But she began purring and probably slept more soundly than I did that night. I guess this was her making peace--kind of like Lt. Dan showing up to be Captain Gump's first mate on the shrimping boat. She's gone now. I feel the loss.

III. See Turtle not Sea Turtle
Fact: Turtles have wrinkly skin.
When my friend's parents forced him to eat the turtle they cooked, it was seeing the boiled knee wrinkles that scarred him most severely.

IV. Of the Family Ursidae
Speaking of maiming, in a recent dream a bear attacked me. Some doofus kept the bear as a pet, claiming it was domesticated. You, reader, already know that the bear was NOT. He ate his master inside their two story house. For some reason I was in the backyard. When the bear finished with Master Doofus, he came after me. Standing over me, Bear first tore off part of my shoulder. This hurt a little. Then he ripped out a chunk of my stomach. This hurt more. His enormous paw then covered the top of my head. I thought, "I'm about to feel my head rip away from my neck." In a swift mind control move, I willed the bear across the field. We locked eyes and I bloody ran. I kept running even after I woke up. In 11 minutes I would be late for work.

watch

They Play Pretty

2008-02-04T00:17:00.000-06:00

Band of Horses performed in Dallas Saturday night. They were TREMENDOUS. The dude's voice is enormous and clear. It was a riveting and surprisingly beautiful rock show. They played a variety of songs from both albums, ending the encore with a mind-blowing cover of "Act Together". Here's the latest video of their song "Is There a Ghost."

For(ever) Now

2008-01-03T12:10:00.001-06:00

Just this weekend I heard these words: "I don't want to do this for the rest of my life but for now, it pays the bills."

We've all heard this said. Many of us have said it ourselves. It's a brand new year and I feel older and younger than ever. I'd rather say, "This is awesome. I know it can't last for the rest of my life but for now, it rocks my soul."

The last time I felt this way about my life was my 2006 road trip. The next time I feel this way about my life will be 2008. That's the goal.

Awesome Blog

2007-12-26T19:59:00.000-06:00

Watch how Nina Simone opens her mouth and Awesome flows out.

Jeff Buckley singing this on his Live at Sin-e album is worth hearing and buying. If you keyword search "awesome" on YouTube, this is what you find:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVCb52iQrfo

A Good Swap

2007-12-18T09:59:00.000-06:00

The other night I went to a song swap at AllGood Cafe and immediately after walking through the door it hit me: This night is going to be awesome. So I ordered a glass of red wine and settled into the evening like a cushy, leather armchair.

The artists were Daniel Fluitt of Thrift Store Cowboys, Colin Gilmore and Cory Branan. Different yet complimentary, we drank from their vats of words and melodies and stayed until the end. In the words of Colin "some things were made not to miss."

Before a friend joined me, I enjoyed the first of the concert alone. What is it about attending an event by yourself that can be so heartening? It feels like doing something I know is good for me, like eating fresh vegetables, drinking orange juice or exercising. C.S. Lewis wrote, "We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence and private; and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship." I think the world he lived in and the world I live in are pretty similar. Sitting alone in the scarlet booth felt right, but so did scooting over when my friend arrived.

conclusion of thoughts after a night of standing behind sweaty, smelly, inconsiderately flailing hippies at a concert

2007-11-05T16:53:00.001-06:00

I think our greatest handicap as human beings is our inability to ever understand ourselves, this life or anything fully at all. Even with these unbeatable odds do we still (nobly) try and upon failure, occasionally feel the need to get high.

to the swings

2007-10-29T23:50:00.000-06:00

Nobody knows it, but I am so sad.

When I felt sad (or trapped or wild) in high school I went to the swings. With no after school plans, I'd roll down the windows of my Pontiac Parisienne and head to the park. Sometimes I'd write or read or watch people. Most often I'd slide into the plastic saddle and swing as high as I could and wonder what it'd feel like to fly like the little boy in The Snowman . This was me discovering solitude. I don't dare divulge the secrets of those times.

Today, I felt that same thrill twice. I pedaled my bike away from work and felt like school was out and I was set free. Earlier, I remembered that this weekend I get to take a mini-road trip. On this trip I get to drive and listen to good tunes with my roadworthy friend. I will also get to see a phenomenal music act perform not once, not twice but three times; I hope to see some family and some friends who are close enough to be family.

Nobody knows it, but I am so sad.* I think of us as having little wells inside us full of secret sadness and secret happiness. It seems weird that opposites could co-exist together, but then again, what they say about opposites, well, I don't even have to say it.

*This is a line from the Avett Brothers song that caused me to fall in love with their music.

hearing things

2007-08-30T00:02:00.000-06:00

I don't have many memories of listening to music at home as a family. I don't remember sitting in my trainers on the carpet, stacking blocks to any sensational tunes from my parents' generation, no Beatles, no Dylan, not even the Carpenters.

Curt asked me tonight if that's why I love it so much. I guess the easy answer is yes. I didn't know it then, but now I do, yay.

The long answer has something to do with how "discovering" music is like getting socked hard in the gut and trying to recover breath. I wasn't exactly deprived of music, but there's something to be said for an unsuspecting moment blindsided by awesomeness. This makes me grateful for people. Like many introverts, I need a large amount of solitude. It's just that people give music. We tell each other about it, we experience it together. That is cool.

Maybe it's because I live in Dallas, aka Materialism capital of the South, but I hear people scoff at the gift of a burned cd. It's such a cool gift, who cares if it's cheap? Music means something to everyone. Try and get that sort of value from a pair of Pumas.

Chocolate on My Tongue

2007-08-07T16:48:00.000-06:00

Some days I feel like the most privileged person and that all other people are just a bunch of suckers. This is just because I experienced something deeply inspirational and now I hold it inside of me. This feels good.

What doesn't feel good is Dallas, where Heather and I just arrived from a weekend spent in Portland, Oregon. We went for Pickathon, a roots music festival and because we love that city. The bad news is I left my ipod nano on the plane and somewhere, probably in New Orleans, someone is enjoying my song collection. Due to carry-on restrictions in airports, which I forgot about, I also lost a pocketknife and several toiletries including a nearly full tube of toothpaste. The good news is that Heather and I did not get in a wreck this time nor did we hit any police officers. Whew.

In short we heard tons of great music and we danced hard. We even square-danced and let me tell you that we can rip and snort with the best of them. This trip could become an annual event.

Here's my MUSICAL HIGHLIGHTS from the weekend:

The Wood Brothers --songs "Postcards from Hell" (if you find this, let me know), "Chocolate on My Tongue" and the entire Ways Not to Lose album. If these guys play in a city near you, don't miss out.

Langhorne Slim--"Restless" "In the Midnight" and "I Will"

Gregory and the Hawk--"The People Who Raised Me"

Sassparilla Jugband--They are crazy fun live. "Sassy Pants"

Erin Mckeown--"Get Happy" and "Rhode Island is Famous for You"

The Avett Brothers--phenomenal live performances as always. They played a knock-the-breath-out-of-you-beautiful rendition of "If it's the Beaches," and "Famous Flower from Manhattan" sprouted in the middle of "Pretty Girl from Annapolis." They are coming to Dallas and to Austin in November. SAVE THE DATE.

Now is the Time...to Rhyme?

2007-05-19T16:11:00.000-06:00

A few things I appreciate in a good poem:

A creative, descriptive title that is NOT a line in the poem.
A title that is nearly as long as the poem itself.
Sass.
The word "tunes."
Poetry on taboo or unexpected subjects that makes me think, especially by asking an absurd question.
The phrase "long, lonesome Sundays."
Use of rhyming, esp. a rhyme scheme without sounding childish or idiotic.

Wait, what is this? Oh, lookie. Here's a little poem that happens to meet the above criteria. How lucky to randomly and unexpectedly stumble across such a gem! Yay!

A.E. Stallings

Triolet on a Line Apocryphally Attributed to Martin Luther

Why should the Devil get all the good tunes,
The booze and the neon and Saturday night,
the swaying in darkness, the lovers like spoons?
Why should the Devil get all the good tunes?
Does he hum them to while away sad afternoons
And the long, lonesome Sundays? Or sing them for spite?
Why should the Devil get all the good tunes,
The booze and the neon and Saturday night?

Flipping Pages

2007-04-08T13:02:00.000-06:00

As an in the closet perfectionist, it is often difficult for me to start things. So today, I ease into this blog by giving you, reader, snippets from my journal.

1.20.07
I attend many weddings, bridal showers and baby showers. The frequency of these invitations will eventually dwindle, replaced by funerals.

2.2.07
i sense that things unsaid might soon be said. yikes.

1.15.07
Things I ache for more of:
throwing pottery
the streets of florence & ghiberti's baptistery doors
the beach. always the beach.

2.18.07
Yesterday, while watching the The Sound of Music, Mikayla [niece, 8yrs] asked me, “Why weren’t women allowed to do all the same things as men?” Nazis, church men, monarchs and our country's founding fathers crowded my mind. Whatever I answered her was inadequate (as is my own understanding). Then she asked, “But now we can do whatever we want, right?!” I nodded, silently cheering her on. Gumption.

3.09.07
Nothing's more romantic
than the way good love can take leave of you.
That's why I'm so doggone lonesome, Baby,
yes, I'm lonesome and I'm blue.
--Terrance Hayes, "The Blue Terrance"

4.07.07
I love to cook an extravagant meal and then eat it. By myself.

4.08.07
If Dad loved me perfectly, I still don't think it would've been enough.

12.20.06
This afternoon I put on my new down coat, sat on the bed and looked in the mirror. Tired and cold. Maybe a little depressed. In the pocket of my coat I found a little folded piece of paper that said, "You are a goddess."
It helped.